Change is NOT my friend

I made it through my first few days of work. I actually LOVE the job but I don't love being away from my kids. I actually had a complete breakdown after day 1, a whole crying, praying for God to help me, lay on the floor in the closet breakdown, yeah...It just all boils down to the fact that I just don't like change. This is a good change, good for me, good for my family, yet I still am struggling. Mind you this is only a part time job, but to me it feels like my world is in an upheaval. This is the perfect job for me, a job I can't get again, I know I will enjoy it but part of me is resisting change, telling me I am a bad mother for choosing to leave my babies, even part of the time. It is crazy, I know. I know I cannot let fear keep me from doing the things I need and want to do, and so I am going to keep moving forward, baby steps...

Happy Birthday Knoxie!

Yesterday my sweet, little curly headed man turned 4! He is stubborn, strong willed and scared of pretty much everything. He will however take his brothers down in a fight! He is learning and growing so much and super excited to be starting school in the fall. I love him to the moon and back.

A new chapter

The past year has been a time of transition for me, my last baby turned one, I had a hysterectomy, and these things signaled to me a the dawn of change.  I began to have an internal conflict about who I was and who I wanted to become and what I wanted to do now that my life would not solely consist of nursing and rocking. It was time for me to think about hopes and dreams I had long put on the back burner, to become something more than a mommy, to redefine myself as a woman, as a separate entity outside my role of homemaker.  While I know my job as a mother it the most important, challenging and meaningful job I will ever have, my heart began nudging me to try something new.  This in no way means I will put my family on a back burner, they will always come first but I think it is important for my children to know that I can do more than change a diaper and for me to feel value in myself, for something other than being a wife and mother.
  I always knew I wanted to go back to school but I wasn't exactly sure what for. I knew it would have to be something I was passionate about, something that involved helping others, something that involved children. I just wasn't sure exactly where I was headed. Then late one night, after hours of internet research, like a lightbulb, the perfect job reveled itself to me.
   Tomorrow I start the first step on a new journey.  Tomorrow I start on the path to become a lactation consultant and doula! Tomorrow after 7 years of being a stay at home mom, after 7 years of no boss, no "real" clothes and no real agenda, I am going back to work, part time at my local WIC office as a breast-feeding peer counselor! I am thrilled God dropped this perfect job into my lap! I am excited to be helping mothers have an amazing breast-feeding experience.   Next month I will also start school online!
  I am excited, scared, worried, and happy. Having OCD really makes it hard to embrace change, even when you know it is a good change. I am being forced to give up control of all the little household things I think no one can possibly do as well as me, having to allow my children to do things for themselves that I normally do for them, to allow others to watch my kids, to put them down for naps and while all of this is exciting and fun it is also scary. Scary or not I am moving forward! Fear is not going to stop me this time!
    Tomorrow I will wake up early, put "real" clothes on and head out the door on my new journey, I will leave the dirty diapers, and lunch duty to someone else and I can't wait!
 

Eight

My first born son turned 8 last week. I can't believe it. My tiny baby boy is EIGHT!!
Kale,
At 8 you are adventurous, always exploring, experimenting, asking questions, thinking.
You love science, nature, bugs, weaponry, mud, sharks, animals of all kinds, climbing, swimming, riding bikes, being shirtless and computer games.
You are incredibly smart, in gifted and talented this year. You make perfect grades are a rock star at school and love learning.
You love the Discovery Channel. Especially Hogs Gone Wild, Man VS. Wild, Myth Busters, Survivor Man and Gold Rush.
You are so tender hearted and while you may get mad at your brothers, you always feel bad and apologize. You love to make others happy and always tell me I'm beautiful. You have a heart of gold.
I love your personality, your drive, you passion. You remind a lot of your dad but I see some of myself in you as well.
You are amazing and I am so incredibly proud to call you my son!

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Marriage is not someting you throw away

     Lately I have watched as several people I love let their marriages fall apart. They just threw it away. Now I know without a doubt that some marriages cannot work, I know sometimes divorce is necessary but I think most of the time in or society it is just that people just get lazy and selfish. It isn't fun anymore, it is hard, someone else comes along that seems more interesting.
    I will be the first to say marriage is hard, really hard sometimes. Sometimes it seems unbearable. But even at the worst time, I know I made a commitment, I have children, and I know without a doubt whatever seems better right now would never actually be better than where I am right now. Life is hard no matter who you are with, alone or married. But I think people are way to quick to give up, on themselves, on marriage, on their children. Commitments matter and I think you owe it to the person you made a commitment to, to treat that relationship better, to work harder at it than you would a relationship with someone off the street.
      It is sad that marriage is becoming more and more rare in our society. Young people don't value commitments, they don't value marriage.
      But in my house, marriage is important, commitment is important and I will not throw it away.