14 Fabulous years

God made the world with its towering trees, majestic mountains and restless seas, then paused and said, "It needs one more thing." Someone to laugh and dance and sing, to walk in the woods and gather flowers, to commune with nature in quiet hours. So God made little girls with laughing eyes and bouncing curls, with joyful hearts, and beautiful smiles, enchanting ways and feminine wiles. And when He'd completed the task He'd begun, he was pleased and proud of the job He'd done. For the world when seen through a little girl's eyes greatly resembles paradise. ...Author Unknown

This day 14 years ago at the ripe old age of 17 I became a mother for the first time. That day I caught a glimpse of heaven and my life forever changed. The moment I saw you I was totally and completely in love and in awe of God's grace. I am still and will forever be in love with this beautiful daughter of mine. I cannot begin to imagine how my life would have turned out without you. You are amazing!! Happy Birthday! Thanks for being my little girl!

Getting real...Our reality the last two years

I could lie and say that the last two years have been easy and fun. But I am going to be honest. I have talked before about my OCD and anxiety and to be honest the last two years have been the worst ever for me in that respect. But that is not the only reason things have been a challenge. The last two years have been a huge struggle financially for us, my husband lost his second job as a home builder (he's also a fireman) and we lost over half our income, no matter how hard we tried to remedy the situation we got further and further behind. At the same time we found out I was pregnant, even though I was breastfeeding our youngest son, had never had a period and was on birth control. Not exactly perfect timing. We eventually gave up on our house, which had been on the market well over two years at this point and moved to a cheaper house closer to our family, we thought things would get easier.

Flash forward almost 18 months, our house which we quit paying on two years ago is just now being foreclosed after we exhausted every measure to sell it, short sale it etc. We are still struggling and are actually in the process of filing bankruptcy. TO say the least the last two years we have been tested in every sense of the word.

But you know what, the last two years have been some of the best as well. I can honestly say I have seen God work more in our lives and in our hearts these last few years than ever before. We have grown closer as a couple and learned to trust God with every aspect of our lives, something we were not very good at before. We are still a work in progress but I know in my heart we are here for a reason. We are struggling because God knew we would learn so much more from our struggles than we ever would have staying where we were.

We even through the struggles have been so blessed and that is what I really want to share. We are all healthy, happy, we have a beautiful new son, a family that is there to support us and an awesome church family. You see, even in the times you think God is not there, HE IS. Your life may not be just as you had planned it but it is exactly how God planned it and you just have to keep praising him, have faith, never give up. He never will.

WOW.. that was a lot of personal information, but oh well! It is our reality and I am no ashamed. I know there are many others walking this path too and I pray that for all of you who are struggling that you too can find the hidden blessings in your troubled times.

10 years of wedded bliss!

We grew up miles from each other but never met. Years later as a preteen I became great friends with his cousin, I spent time with her family but still never met him. Then as teenagers when my friend wanted to date a friend of his, she convinced me to go on a date with her cousin so she could date his friend. I wasn't to into the idea but I went along for her. Pretty much from the moment we met my life changed. That boy became my husband a few years later and today we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. I believe with all my heart that God created us for one another. It is no coincidence that his cousin was one of my best friends, that I already knew and loved his family, that we met at just the right time in both our lives, after having many chances to meet before but never meeting and that we share a birthday.

We have been on quite a journey in the last ten years. There have been ups and downs, tears and laughter. The last year has in face shown us the meaning of the worse in for better or worse, but through it all we have not just remained together but grown more and more in love. I can honestly say 10 years ago I never could have imagined what our lives would be like now. He has shown me so much about love, commitment and strength and I am constantly amazed at his ability to love me even when I am not so lovable.

The last ten years have been a wild ride and I can't wait to see what the next ten have in store.

Happy Anniversary Baby, thanks for marrying me!!

Happy Birthday Love

On this day back in 1970'ish the man of my dreams was born on the very same day that I myself would be born four years later. Coincidence? I think not. I take it as evidence that we were indeed made for each other:)

Happy Birthday, sweetheart! You are my hero, the love of my life and my soul mate. I cannot imagine my life without you. I know this year has been hard one and I pray the next one will be easier. Thank you for working so hard, for loving me and for being my calm in the storm.

I am so glad you were born 30 something years ago and that I share a birthday with such an amazing man.

Randomness about fear and getting real

This post is pretty much just as it says, just random musings about fear and being real.
I'm really not going to try and make this flow, which may really annoy some of you but I just want to let all my thoughts out, like a stream of consciousness.

I am so inspired by other bloggers who can just be real. I mean REALLY, real. You know the people that can blog about everything from baby poop to the fact their husband left them for another woman? Yea, that's what I want. Even if it is just for my own release, I want to be real, to put myself out there for better or for worse. Don't get me wrong, I love to blog about all the happy things in my life, I love to share the cute photos of my kids, but so often I choose not to share some of the most real parts of my life and my heart. Why? Well in comes the fear...

You see, as I have mentioned before I suffer from OCD and anxiety and so most of my decisions, reactions and feelings are based on fear. So, when I think about being open, about being myself, fear sets in. Pretty much my whole life has been dictated my fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of, you name it, i fear it.

The thing is the older I become, the closer I grow to God the more I realize that I MUST let go of the fear. Easier said than done. Fear is my dearest, oldest friend and no matter how much I try to pray it away, wish it away, medicate it away, it never leaves.

But I have to leave fear behind me. So I am taking this first step of faith and choosing to become real, choosing to trust that God can and God will help me every step of the way as I continue to fight the fear and anxiety that has become so much a part of me.

Want a hug?

How could you not want a hug from this curly headed cutie? I know I love to hug him!! I decided to take some Valentine photos of the kids the other day for cards and this one is pretty much my favorite. He doesn't hold still for photos too often anymore and I know it's been a while since I posted a photo of him. He is trouble in every sense of the word but his sweet little smiles seem to make up for just about everything he could do>

I'm in love

With this boy!! My best friend recently had her third baby, and after two girls she finally got her little boy. Needless to say I have a soft spot for boys and this little guy is just beautiful!!

10 Tremendous months!!

It seems like all I have been posting are monthly Krews photo updates. I have been reading other peoples blog but just can't seem to find the motivation to post anything of substance on mine. I have been trying to spend less time on blogs and Facebook and more time, reading the Bible and spending time with my family. I am planning on getting back to blogging this week and have a few posts already planned, so stay tuned until then enjoy my sweet 10 month old!! He has taken a few random steps, has learned to pull his brothers hair and squeal with delight when they cry, he is a little under weight but eats like a champ so we are just watching him for now. He is still a happy, giggly baby and I am pretty sure his grandpa thinks he hung the moon! Love this boy!

A couple of great blogs

I will admit that I am not the best writer, not the best at sharing my heart. I wish I was, I wish specifically I was better at sharing the word of God, at writing posts that encouraged other mothers but I am just not. Partially because I let fear dictate what I say sometimes, so instead of sharing something I feel is important I let fear of judgment keep me from writing it and partially because I think who is going to read it anyway?
But I DO know a few people who do not share my problems. These two girls are great at inspiring, writing and sharing their hearts with others.
The first one I have read for some time she is great at not shying away from the funny, awkward moments of motherhood as well as sharing the serious stuff. Plus she has some really cute little boys! I know you will enjoy her as much as Ido..http://www.stillhatepickles.com/
The second one is a new read to me but I am already so inspired by her. She says all moms are missionaries in their own homes, what a great thought! She has lots of great thoughts on raising spiritual kids : http://mommymissionary.blogspot.com/

Now go show these ladies some blog love!!

Defining me...

So Krews, took 3 random steps last night out of nowhere...he didn't seem ready for that and I am REALLY not ready for that. But I know it is inevitable, he will walk, talk, grow up and go to school. I am not new to this system. I have an almost 14 year old and three others who were all once babies. But this is different, he is our last baby. For the last 7 years I have been either nursing or pregnant, really people, the entire 7 years!! So I have always had a baby in the house, I have been mostly defined by labor, nursing and diapers. Now I know that my role as a mother does not stop when I no longer have a baby, I realize I still have much work ahead but for the first time in a long time I am starting to think about what defines me, besides being a mother and a wife. Not that those are not important things, they are the most important jobs I will ever have but at the same time, I fel that there is part of me that has been pushed to a back burner and forgotton. I want to be defined as something other than a wofe and mother. So I am starting to think about and pray on what excactly I will do with myself whan my kids are all in school. I am really want to go back to school at some point but what I wills study is still up in the air, though I am really intersted in lactation consulants and nursing.

So tell me do any of you sometimes feel that you have yourself in your role as mother and wife?? Do any of you have goals and or dreams for yourself outside of these roles?

Future worship pastor?? I think yes!

This guy loves music, especially Third Day! Tonight he really gave us a show!! Maybe we have a future worship pastor on our hands? Sadly since no one in our family can carry a tune, I think he will move on to another line of work!!

Happiest Baby on the planet

Seriously this baby is ALWAYS this happy! Even with three big brothers always committing one injustice or another on him. I am so blessed to have such a sweet, happy boy!!