Question..

Without telling you what it's for I just want your opinion on something..

Which do you like better

hedgehogs

owls

robots??

Leave a comment and let me know. Thanks

This little guy...

Went to a wedding last night while his brothers stayed with Nana and Grandpa. This little guy wore a tie. This little guy was the cutest little guy there. This little guy is the happiest, smiliest, little guy in the world. This little guy is so loved!!

3 months old

Happy 4th Birthday Bobcat!

HAppy Birthday sweet Bobcat. You are the sweetest little boy with the sweetest little smile! You are still in love with all things on wheels especially farming related machines. You keep us on our toes with your wild antics but are the best little snuggler ever. You say the sweetest things and love to give hugs and kisses. I cannot imagine our lives without you, you are such a joy to everyone. Thank you so much for being you, for blessing us with your sweet smile and for loving us! We love you forever and always!

BTW

By the way...in case your wondering.....I'm not going to make every post about OCD...I'm just finding therapy in posting about it right now, in the support of others in just letting it out...but I will post about other things still too!! My kids are just to darn cute not to post about!!

What a bad OCD day is like...

First of all I just want to say thank you so much to all of you who have offered support and prayers to me since I came out of the "closet" with my OCD. It means so much. Especially from those of you who are suffering with me. I don't actually know anyone with OCD so it is great to "meet" others who have it and are blogging. It helps to know I am not alone, though I feel horrible that other people have to go through what I do.

So on to what this post is really about. In an effort to help you guys understand how OCD affects my life and to help myself see it more clearly too, I thought I would describe in detail a bad OCD day. It just so happens that today was a bad OCD day (yes there are good and bad OCD days). I woke up this morning early to get ready for a planned day to a state park with my parents and the kids. I was running around getting everyone ready, my mind racing with all I had to do, then the OCD thoughts crept in, as they often do when I am "busy". The thoughts said things like " you know you can't leave dirty dishes in the sink or something bad will happen to you today" and "you know you need to make sure the straightening iron is off, no check it again, now check it again, touch the outlet to make sure your not seeing things, now touch the plug to make sure its out, now check again" _repeat for coffee pot, water, door locks etc. . So between getting ready myself, getting the kids ready, doing all the checking and rechecking I barely get out the door. Get in the car, worry repeatedly and feel uneasy to the point of being sick about how I might not have unplugged something or checked the door locks enough, after about an hour I get rid of those thoughts. Then I do okay for a while. Then get home again and the worry, fear and the thoughts start all over as I'm getting the kids ready for church, only at this point I'm tired, and so I start to feel panicked, panicked about all the things I have to get done before church, the thoughts creep in, I start to get moody with the kids, I want to shut down, go to bed but I can't, the horrible thoughts keep coming, thoughts I can't even bare to type (its a fear of mine, I'm scared if I tell people the thoughts they will come true and something bad will happen to me or my family) and that continues most of the night until I go to bed, when I have to get up countless times to again check and recheck, locks, doors, appliances, kids etc. It's pretty scary, tiring, overwhelming and a million other adjectives I can't put into words right now. I'm not the most articulate person, so I'm sure I'm not really painting the greatest picture but you get the point, it sucks!!! The constant doubt, worry and fear are so hard to deal with, I hate days like this. I long for "normal" days without checking, without doubt, without fear but lately it seems like those days are few and far between. RIght now I am fearing posting this, I'm scared something will happen, I'm hitting post now.....

OCD and dieting

I never thought that OCD had anything to do with my eating habits, until I started dieting recently. I then discovered that over the years apparently I have used eating sweets as a coping mechanism for my OCD when things are stressful. I start to feel anxious, I feel the need to eat, I eat and for a while I feel better. Much the same way as when i feel a compulsion to do other things i.e. put on a certain shirt or straighten a rug, for a while doing the behavior relieves my anxiety and makes me feel better. So needless to say lately my diet has not been going so well, I'll do very well in the morning and then in the late afternoon when I am the most stressed I think "well I feel really anxious/stressed so just this once I'll eat a cookie" so I do then I feel guilty for eating the cookie. It's a vicious cycle! I guess the bright side is I am learning a lot about myself and how my coping skills are not the best. I need to work on other ways to relieve my stress than just grabbing the nearest snack and eating. Losing weight=feeling better about myself=less stress=less OCD symptoms and that is helpful to everyone I love!! So i must find a way to beat this cycle.

You know your a mom wednesday

You know your a mom when you try unsuccessfully for hours to go to the bathroom alone and finally give up and go with three kids watching you and or pulling at your leg and a baby on your lap!

You know your a mom when you follow your child with a camera all day because you are bored.

You know your a mom when you look forward to a new kids movie coming out because you know you can sit quietly in a movie theater for an hour.

You deem your day successful if no one peed on the carpet and you didn't get poop on your clothes!
I know these are not that great but it's all I got today!!

Battling a monster

I am fighting a battle, have been fighting this same battle show since the age of 8. My opponent is fierce, strong and unrelenting. Sometime it tries to trick me by laying dormant for a while then when I least expect it, it reappears with a vengeance. I stay mostly silent about this battle, my family and some close friends no but mostly I keep it covered, hidden away in the dark corners of my mind, to afraid to show it to the rest of the world. But I have decided that I NEED to share this battle, I need to let it out, show my true self to all of you and show this big, bad bully that I won't me silent anymore. My battle is with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. At the age of 8 while attending a girl scout camp my disease reared its ugly head, from then on it has tormented me and while I have learned to suppress the symptoms and keep it mostly at for most of my adult life in the past few years it has comsumed me again with the added fun of anxiety\panic attacks. Some days are worse than others but mostly every day is a battle. For the most part I don't talk about it, I'm scared people will judge me, think I'm crazy or just not understand. The other reason for keeping it private is the fear the disease gives me, i am somehow afraid that talking about it will make it worse, but lately I have had the feeling that I need the support and prayers of others to get through this, I just can't do it alone. I know there are so many other people out there that suffer as I do and I just don't personally know any. I would love to connect with others who share my condition. If you don't you can still help me, please pray for me, send me encouraging words, be patient with me when I seem elusive. I am determined to find a way to live without fear, to be free of worry and depression. I will not hide anymore. So I hope in the coming weeks to be able to share more about my condition, to help you all understand it more and to help myself work through some of the things that trouble me.

Learn More about OCD here

Lucky

I am LUCKY, I am BLESSED to have this beautiful family! I look at them and my heart MELTS. Each one of them holds a special place in my heart, each one unique and cherished. Words cannot express the sheer joy and love I feel when I see these faces. God has truly blessed me and I am filled with gratitude to be a mother and wife to these amazing people.

I am also LUCKY to have had the chance to FINALLY meet Kirsten from Boys N Berries Photography and have her take theses awesome pictures of our family! She is amazingly talented and super sweet. Sadly she is moving to Utah soon so you'll have to travel there if you want her to work her magic on your family!!

3 posts in one day??? Insane

It seems all I have to do today is take, edit and post pictures!! Well not exactly there is a huge pile of laundry waiting for me but that will wait... Today I followed Bulldog around for awhile while Krews was sleeping and his brothers were with KB. He is so funny, I love two year olds!! They really have a lot of spunk. He is refused to smile for me but I did manage to get a few shots that made me smile! What a precious boy he is..

Aunt Bri

I bet you can't tell this girl is related to my kids, right?? Ha. I'm pretty sure her super blonde hair is a dead give away! She is KB's sister. Isn't she beautiful?? I sure think so. She is home from college for the summer and wanted some pictures of she and her boyfriend. Of course we happily said yes and I wanted to share a few of my favorites.

Editing makes me happy

I LOVE to edit photos maybe even more than I love to take them! I am always giddy with happiness after I take pictures because I never know what fun surprises await me when I plug my camera into the computer to download and edit. I am kind of in the middle when it comes to editing I guess, some photographers love to really edit and work on their photos a lot, some like to do minimal editing and leave their photos mostly as they are straight out of the camera. I have a love of both points of view. I see the beauty in a great picture straight out of the camera but I also love to see and enjoy the magic of photoshop!! I also love to see what other photographers do with their photos and can spend hours pouring over photography blogs and websites enjoying other peoples art! It really is such a passion of mine and I really just can't wait to learn more.

I have to share....

Ok, as most of you know I LOVE the awkward family photos website and while most of the time I look at it laugh myself silly then close the browser, sometimes there is a picture too funny not to share. This is one of those times!! The caption reads:

Don’t be afraid to show the world that you’re in love and that you have a cat skeleton.

Honestly I don't know why I think this is soo funny but I do, I just do!!! I'm laughing all over again.....

Photos of the day and our little swimmers

Last year we could not get Bobcat or Bulldog anywhere close to the pool and this year we can't keep them out. Bulldog literally has NO fear of the water now and will just jump in even if no one is there to catch him!! It scares me to death. Bobcat is making big progress in learning to swim and today was cruising all over Nana's pool with floaties and even had the courage to jump off the diving board! Buttercup and Sunshine are swimming up a storm as well. We really have our hands full with these guys this year!! Luckily we love close enough to Nana this year that we can swim any time we want and as a bonus I don't have to brave the public pool in a bathing suit!!