So on to what this post is really about. In an effort to help you guys understand how OCD affects my life and to help myself see it more clearly too, I thought I would describe in detail a bad OCD day. It just so happens that today was a bad OCD day (yes there are good and bad OCD days). I woke up this morning early to get ready for a planned day to a state park with my parents and the kids. I was running around getting everyone ready, my mind racing with all I had to do, then the OCD thoughts crept in, as they often do when I am "busy". The thoughts said things like " you know you can't leave dirty dishes in the sink or something bad will happen to you today" and "you know you need to make sure the straightening iron is off, no check it again, now check it again, touch the outlet to make sure your not seeing things, now touch the plug to make sure its out, now check again" _repeat for coffee pot, water, door locks etc. . So between getting ready myself, getting the kids ready, doing all the checking and rechecking I barely get out the door. Get in the car, worry repeatedly and feel uneasy to the point of being sick about how I might not have unplugged something or checked the door locks enough, after about an hour I get rid of those thoughts. Then I do okay for a while. Then get home again and the worry, fear and the thoughts start all over as I'm getting the kids ready for church, only at this point I'm tired, and so I start to feel panicked, panicked about all the things I have to get done before church, the thoughts creep in, I start to get moody with the kids, I want to shut down, go to bed but I can't, the horrible thoughts keep coming, thoughts I can't even bare to type (its a fear of mine, I'm scared if I tell people the thoughts they will come true and something bad will happen to me or my family) and that continues most of the night until I go to bed, when I have to get up countless times to again check and recheck, locks, doors, appliances, kids etc. It's pretty scary, tiring, overwhelming and a million other adjectives I can't put into words right now. I'm not the most articulate person, so I'm sure I'm not really painting the greatest picture but you get the point, it sucks!!! The constant doubt, worry and fear are so hard to deal with, I hate days like this. I long for "normal" days without checking, without doubt, without fear but lately it seems like those days are few and far between. RIght now I am fearing posting this, I'm scared something will happen, I'm hitting post now.....
Sticky Pork Meatballs
1 day ago
I have bad words too. In fact, that's my current therapy assignment. I'm trying to think them, then write them down, then say them out loud. Most of them haven't gotten past the thinking them part without a total freak out. But I've tackled a few of the words so far and even said them out loud a few times. Woot!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are struggling so hard with this. As I read your words I could feel how I would feel in your situation. I have explained the need to do things (like checking and rechecking) as having an almost physical sensation in that if I don't do it, there is literal discomfort along with the fear.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps, but I promise you it can get better. It has been almost six years since my last really bad OCD day (and yes I agree there are good and bad OCD days). Mostly I just have things here and there that I do and even on my worst days it doesn't touch how it used to be.
The hardest things for me have to do with illness. For example, as a kid I wouldn't eat or wear anything that I had eaten or worn when I got the stomach flu. I still struggle with that, only now I have to fight the fear that if I put an outfit on my kid that she wore when she got the stomach flu it doesn't mean she will get it again.
I just want you to hang in there. Just keep working on it. Never give up! I'm glad you have found therapy in sharing your struggle.
I know exactly what you mean about OCD making you tired. I try to explain to my husband (who doesnt understand how i could be so tired when i didnt even leave the house) that its more of a mental exhaustion than a physical. I know its frustrating, we just have to hang in there :)
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