Randomness about fear and getting real

This post is pretty much just as it says, just random musings about fear and being real.
I'm really not going to try and make this flow, which may really annoy some of you but I just want to let all my thoughts out, like a stream of consciousness.

I am so inspired by other bloggers who can just be real. I mean REALLY, real. You know the people that can blog about everything from baby poop to the fact their husband left them for another woman? Yea, that's what I want. Even if it is just for my own release, I want to be real, to put myself out there for better or for worse. Don't get me wrong, I love to blog about all the happy things in my life, I love to share the cute photos of my kids, but so often I choose not to share some of the most real parts of my life and my heart. Why? Well in comes the fear...

You see, as I have mentioned before I suffer from OCD and anxiety and so most of my decisions, reactions and feelings are based on fear. So, when I think about being open, about being myself, fear sets in. Pretty much my whole life has been dictated my fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of, you name it, i fear it.

The thing is the older I become, the closer I grow to God the more I realize that I MUST let go of the fear. Easier said than done. Fear is my dearest, oldest friend and no matter how much I try to pray it away, wish it away, medicate it away, it never leaves.

But I have to leave fear behind me. So I am taking this first step of faith and choosing to become real, choosing to trust that God can and God will help me every step of the way as I continue to fight the fear and anxiety that has become so much a part of me.

Battling a monster

I am fighting a battle, have been fighting this same battle show since the age of 8. My opponent is fierce, strong and unrelenting. Sometime it tries to trick me by laying dormant for a while then when I least expect it, it reappears with a vengeance. I stay mostly silent about this battle, my family and some close friends no but mostly I keep it covered, hidden away in the dark corners of my mind, to afraid to show it to the rest of the world. But I have decided that I NEED to share this battle, I need to let it out, show my true self to all of you and show this big, bad bully that I won't me silent anymore. My battle is with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. At the age of 8 while attending a girl scout camp my disease reared its ugly head, from then on it has tormented me and while I have learned to suppress the symptoms and keep it mostly at for most of my adult life in the past few years it has comsumed me again with the added fun of anxiety\panic attacks. Some days are worse than others but mostly every day is a battle. For the most part I don't talk about it, I'm scared people will judge me, think I'm crazy or just not understand. The other reason for keeping it private is the fear the disease gives me, i am somehow afraid that talking about it will make it worse, but lately I have had the feeling that I need the support and prayers of others to get through this, I just can't do it alone. I know there are so many other people out there that suffer as I do and I just don't personally know any. I would love to connect with others who share my condition. If you don't you can still help me, please pray for me, send me encouraging words, be patient with me when I seem elusive. I am determined to find a way to live without fear, to be free of worry and depression. I will not hide anymore. So I hope in the coming weeks to be able to share more about my condition, to help you all understand it more and to help myself work through some of the things that trouble me.

Learn More about OCD here