Merry Christmas(ish) time

I am seriously slacking on blogging. I just flat don't have time. Having six kids is HARD! Doctors appointments, sports, church activities and just general day to day living is just about all I have time for. This time of year is my favorite time..usually. I find however that this year it seems to be just plain stressful. There are a few reasons for this, one is I love to decorate, craft and participate in Christmas activities, I start the season with a long list of things I "must do" before Christmas. This year I am finding it hard to keep up and yet I am completely unwilling to say no to any project or event. Secondly I like things to be pretty, calm and planned out at Christmas, with 6 kid including 4 very active little boys who would rather wrestle under the tree than look at it's beauty this is a hard thing to accomplish. Third, money is tight and I feel the pressure to make a great Christmas for my children, and others on a very small budget. I know these are all trivial matters. But my OCD is in overdrive with all the above mentioned things and I am a complete mess.
I know that none of this matters, I know the reason for Christmas is our Lord Jesus and his humble birth in a manger. I know this.. but sometimes my brain forgets.
I know I am blessed, I know I am far better off than most people. I am not trying to seem petty or ungrateful. I am just trying to be truthful.
Any one else ever feel this way?? Anyone??

It's been a while

Since I have blogged, mostly because i have been bogged down in a sea of depression and all OI could handle was the piles of laundry in front of me and dirty diapers. It has really been a struggle. On top of that my father was diagnosed with a serious illness. Mental illness of any kind is so hard because it's not like an infection that is a one pill cure all, it is such a guessing game as to what medication will help what person and I am still on the journey to find just the right combination of things. It really feels lie being in the middle of a storm at sea with no life vest.

I have also been taking lots of pictures lately. And working on potty training Bulldog, who is almost 3 and still mostly refusing to use the potty!! Krews is walking everywhere and we are about to celebrate Sunshines big 7th bday!!

Randomness about fear and getting real

This post is pretty much just as it says, just random musings about fear and being real.
I'm really not going to try and make this flow, which may really annoy some of you but I just want to let all my thoughts out, like a stream of consciousness.

I am so inspired by other bloggers who can just be real. I mean REALLY, real. You know the people that can blog about everything from baby poop to the fact their husband left them for another woman? Yea, that's what I want. Even if it is just for my own release, I want to be real, to put myself out there for better or for worse. Don't get me wrong, I love to blog about all the happy things in my life, I love to share the cute photos of my kids, but so often I choose not to share some of the most real parts of my life and my heart. Why? Well in comes the fear...

You see, as I have mentioned before I suffer from OCD and anxiety and so most of my decisions, reactions and feelings are based on fear. So, when I think about being open, about being myself, fear sets in. Pretty much my whole life has been dictated my fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of, you name it, i fear it.

The thing is the older I become, the closer I grow to God the more I realize that I MUST let go of the fear. Easier said than done. Fear is my dearest, oldest friend and no matter how much I try to pray it away, wish it away, medicate it away, it never leaves.

But I have to leave fear behind me. So I am taking this first step of faith and choosing to become real, choosing to trust that God can and God will help me every step of the way as I continue to fight the fear and anxiety that has become so much a part of me.

A little help please..

I have OCD, I am a worrier, we have been over all this before. I have been really struggling with worry, fear and anxiety my whole life but it has really been bad the last year. I am still battling trying to find just the right combo of meds that both help and don't have too many side effects, so while still working on that I have decided to really try and tackle the anxiety and worry in other ways. I have really been trying to figure out what exactly causes me to worry and how to stop worrying about those things. Sounds easy but it is not. I have discovered that the number one thing I fear, worry, stress about is getting old and my children getting older and I just don't know how to let go of that issue. I have five kids and I love them all to peices at just the age they are now and each time one of them has a birthday it makes me sad, each time Krews leans something new, gets a month older it makes me sad, becasue I know they will all only be this age once and I know that while the days with five young kids sometimes feel long the years are short. I guess I have focused so much time and attention on being a mommy, on raising kids, that I just have know idea what my life without diapers, breastfeeding and naps will be like. That is scary to me. I LOVE having a baby in the house, I love having toddlers, I love my kids being at home and I hate it when they have to go to school. I am not the mom who can't wait for her kids to grow up and move away. I LOVE being a mom, no matter how stressful it is to a house full of rowdy little kids. I just fear them getting older. I fear change and I just for the life of me don't know how to get over it. I have tried telling myself, it's great this is what they are supposed to do grow and change and I know in my head that is true and I do love watching them at each new stage in life but there is still a part of me that is sad knowing that they are only little for a short while. So tell me do any of you feel this way?? Any of you have any suggestions on how to combat this??? I would love to hear your advise...

Battling a monster

I am fighting a battle, have been fighting this same battle show since the age of 8. My opponent is fierce, strong and unrelenting. Sometime it tries to trick me by laying dormant for a while then when I least expect it, it reappears with a vengeance. I stay mostly silent about this battle, my family and some close friends no but mostly I keep it covered, hidden away in the dark corners of my mind, to afraid to show it to the rest of the world. But I have decided that I NEED to share this battle, I need to let it out, show my true self to all of you and show this big, bad bully that I won't me silent anymore. My battle is with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. At the age of 8 while attending a girl scout camp my disease reared its ugly head, from then on it has tormented me and while I have learned to suppress the symptoms and keep it mostly at for most of my adult life in the past few years it has comsumed me again with the added fun of anxiety\panic attacks. Some days are worse than others but mostly every day is a battle. For the most part I don't talk about it, I'm scared people will judge me, think I'm crazy or just not understand. The other reason for keeping it private is the fear the disease gives me, i am somehow afraid that talking about it will make it worse, but lately I have had the feeling that I need the support and prayers of others to get through this, I just can't do it alone. I know there are so many other people out there that suffer as I do and I just don't personally know any. I would love to connect with others who share my condition. If you don't you can still help me, please pray for me, send me encouraging words, be patient with me when I seem elusive. I am determined to find a way to live without fear, to be free of worry and depression. I will not hide anymore. So I hope in the coming weeks to be able to share more about my condition, to help you all understand it more and to help myself work through some of the things that trouble me.

Learn More about OCD here